Tag Archive | Second Chance

Is Romance Simply a Dead Art?

Dead Flowers

 

There is no shortage of available men in my life right now. There is no shortage of available men in the world. There are sweet text messages sent randomly, dinners, ………ummm, yeah, that’s about it.

When did we stop encouraging, or at least hoping for real romance? Is a Facebook “Like” the new flower delivery? How does Edible Arrangements stay in business? Party planners. That is my assumption, anyway. I’ve been back on the dating scene for a while now. Dated guys who would consider themselves old-fashioned, new school, players, and everything in between. What do they not realize? There is little to no difference in any of them.

Yes, I am saying this with a very certain tone. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I am giving up on romance. We have already established I am not settling. I am not trying to let the general lack of inspiration by the men I have met so far, deter me from our eventual Knight in Shining Armor.

I will find the one who surprises me. The one who wants me enough to work for it a little. The one who puts some thought into it. I’m a unique person, I will find the one who sees it, appreciates it, responds to it.

The thing is, romance is subjective. What one of us finds romantic, another finds unimaginative. If a man is going to romance me, or you, or his wife, or anyone, it should be tailored to her. One problem this presents us with  is, we, as the ones who wish to be romanced, have to open ourselves enough for a man/woman to feel confident in his knowledge and place with us.

We also should be proactive. Give to receive, etc. There is no social standard any more which says all of the romance should be initiated by one sex. We are capable of romancing, too. I happen to have set a standard for myself, but in today’s dating world, everyone gets to create their own version of normal.

What do you find to be romantic? When is the last time someone you dated made a romantic gesture? When is the last time you made a romantic move? How did it go?

Advertisements

Let’s Do a Progress Check, Shall We?

 

 

trackprogress2

 

Let’s do a quick, but all-important, Progress Check.

Important to note: No, I haven’t fallen madly in love and run off with the Knight in Shining Armor, yet.

Since we have established this fact, let’s review where we do stand with the Cast you have met, along with a couple of people you haven’t been introduced to properly.

Captain America: CA leaves for his training to head overseas, for his dream job, on Friday. We have been in contact, as we always stay in contact, but due to a death in his family and his attention to the last-minute details of closing his house up and prepping, we haven’t seen one another since you were introduced to him. He will be sorely missed and always a dear friend. I feel confident his role has ended.

Sunday Morning: Of course, I haven’t heard from him, nor contacted him. I did, however, find out by accident, he will be returning home sooner than he had expected. This makes us smile. His playfulness and easy-going spirit is missed.

The Shocker: Totally stricken from the list. Oddly enough, pompous ass is not on my list of desirable traits in a man. Moving on, wishing him luck.

Saint: I respond when he texts. I don’t initiate conversations, because honestly, until he makes a date AND keeps it, we simply aren’t interested. Right? Right.

The Halfling: Much like the date, he has no sense of respect for my space. This is true in text messages, too. He still blows up my phone, despite my Obvious disinterest.

Majorus Interruptus: I shook my head as I typed his name. I went out with him three more times after our initiation by fire, into the inner circle of his family. Fun and easygoing dates. No spark…..that is the easiest way to explain it. Just a good friend, which is where we have moved him. Friend zoned…….

Mi Colombiano:  We have GChatted several times recently. It’s very stilted, to say the least. I feel so torn when we chat. There is a part of me wanting to tell him he wanted out of my life, so he needs to just stop. There is also the part of me crying out to just say something meaningful. I don’t, I never will, I have realized there is too much fear and insecurity surrounding him for me to actually trust anything between us. So, I chat with him, so I know he is okay and I don’t create undue stress on him while he is there. He does need to focus on missions, his team, his need for self-preservation is more important right now. The rest can be dealt with when he is safely back.

The Contractor: Yes, I know, new one! He’s sweet, fun, considerate. We spent close to all of last weekend together while he was in from California. I have wondered more than once why I didn’t let him steal me and take me back with him when he jokingly threatened to do so. We will be continuing to get to know one another.

The Ice Cream Man: Couple of dates back a while ago. I ended it because he lives fairly far away and our schedules are completely mismatched. He’s called, sent texts and SnapChatted (nothing graphic, thank you! I am an innocent one, don’t ya know) quite a bit lately. We haven’t discussed getting together, but he is definitely attempting to get back on scene.

 

Okay, that does it for the Roundup! Anyone you hated to see get cut? Intrigued by? Think needs to go? Feedback people. It’s all about feedback!!

The Rules of Romantic Roulette

Action-Lists

 

Granted, it’s not as cut and dry as some list of qualities I am seeking. I think, I hope, we can all agree, the days of  “must make $400K a year, have at least two homes, no more than one ex-wife, and 2.3 kids” are long gone. I’m seeking a person, flesh and blood, and hopefully just as flawed as I know myself to be. Of course, he must recognize some of his flaws, present them unabashedly, and know he deserves love anyway, just as I do.

“Maybe I’m just too demanding…” The sweet-smelling strands of Prince cloud my keyboard, as I am writing this.

I do have some hard and fast rules, both for my expectations of men, and for myself. (like Prince said….demanding….)

So, for anyone wondering, let me lay them out there. When you read these, you are going to laugh and say, “Come on, this stuff is common sense, no one would ever…..”, to which I say, “In a relationship for a pretty long time, huh? Never tried online dating, right? Or, damnable option, you’re the person I am trying to avoid, or avoid becoming.”

Rules for Myself:

If he seems truly interesting, make the first move. There is no set of rules anywhere, saying men are solely responsible for striking up conversation or asking about lunch sometime. Better to step up, than miss out. (this rule applies online, as well. If I’m interested, I send a short email, usually a little bit of wit and a little explanation of what caught my interest.)

Don’t begin to justify other people’s actions, or romanticize out of boredom or loneliness.

If you want to sleep with him, sleep with him. There is no magic number, no set time, no mythical song will play when it is time. We are all adults and sex is one of life’s pleasures. Truth be told, I am not going to long term date someone who the sex is atrocious with anyway. If he thinks you’re a whore for sleeping with him so soon, then he’s a whore too, so you’re still on equal footing.

Speak up! If he’s tanking a date because he can’t stop talking about his ‘mom, kids, ex, job, hobby’, etc. make three gentle attempts to ease him out of it. He could just be super nervous. I am fucking amazing and men get nervous in my presence. LOL If you try to ease him out of it, but it continues, do him the favor of telling him. Be honest, a simple, “I’m trying to keep up, but wow! We have been talking about your ex for 30 minutes straight now.” If this doesn’t end the diatribe, it is now acceptable to smile, get your purse, stand, leave.

Do not spend extended periods of time on any of the previously mentioned subjects when with anyone you have not been on numerous dates with and they are asking questions about the topic. Lots of questions. These are not date topics. (okay, hobbies are great date topics, but moderation is key)

Be honest with them. If the spark just wasn’t there, but they are still blowing up your phone……no stringing along!

Rules for Men I Date:

Disrespect of my time is not acceptable. I deserve to know if you tell me you are going to be somewhere, I can count on you to be there, or tell me, in advance, you will not.

Infringement of my personal space is not to be forced. I’m not shy, if I want you to hold my hand, you will know. If you just had to reach a full arms length and take a step sideways to grasp my hand, I didn’t want you to have it. Don’t act all shell-shocked when I withdraw it (from your grubby little claws).

I identify myself as a grammar nazi, self-promoting writer……why are you surprised I didn’t respond to your email reading, “hey girl i like you’re stile” I don’t care if you look like Ryan Gosling, WE are not going to work. And…you should be glad I deleted my initial response.

If you are Ryan Gosling, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE spell correctly and use proper punctuation. I would hate to miss out on you!

Don’t ask me, while in the first 15 minutes of our first date, if I’m feeling the connection, too. If you ask, I will be forced to tell you the asking of the question just left me feeling a little frightened and concerned about your future stalking potential.

Don’t be angry. Angry, bitter, unhappy…it may be masked initially, at times, but the minute I pick up on it, I’m out. I am seeking someone to enjoy life’s moments with, not to listen to how the world just keeps beating you down.

Don’t think you have me all figured out, and for fuck’s sake, don’t tell me you do. I don’t even know all the many wonderful facets of myself at this point in life. You definitely do not either. On the flip side, please seek them out with me, and try to appreciate them for what they are…….tiny pieces of me.

Do be exuberant about something. I don’t care what it is, have some passion for something in your life!

Do have interests in more than NASCAR and baseball. 🙂 (it’s okay, she’s out there somewhere. I’m just not her.)

Do understand that just because I don’t think you are right for me, doesn’t mean I am judging you as unfit. We just aren’t suitable for one another.

 

 

Whew! I’m sure the list will grow, the longer we do this. I don’t feel like I’m being all crazed with expectations. I had a situation with a guy who I went out with twice, then he just didn’t show for our third date. I sent him one text, when it was clear he wasn’t going to show.

“Not waiting here any longer, going on home. Hope you’re okay.”

We had actually really hit it off. Great chemistry, great times when we had gotten together. Then that. It seemed strange. No matter who you are, something like that makes you question your judgement.

The next day, I received a text from him.

“I’m so sorry baby girl! I totally forgot and went out with a few friends after I dropped the kids off.”

I’m sorry, did I read that wrong? He “totally forgot” he had a date with me?!?! I’m so much better than that. I replied;

“Well, I hate to hear that. I’m sure we would have had a good time. Good luck on your search for someone ______. It was a pleasure meeting you.”

Within 5 seconds, he was responding to the brush off.

“Whoa! You’re seriously overreacting. Calm down. I missed one date, not like I skipped out on your birthday.”

This made me pause, and truly evaluate my reaction, verses my possible reactions. I know people who would have instantly forgiven him, then complained down the road because he repeats the behavior. I know people who would have blown up his phone the night he didn’t show up and made a huge fight of it. I know people who would have just blocked him from their phone and all social media and pretended it never happened.

I sent one last message to him:

“_______, There were many ways I could have reacted to being stood up. My reaction is the one I am comfortable with right now. I place a higher value on myself than to date someone who forgets our plans. I’m not angry, just know my own worth.”

He has randomly called, texted and even suggested we try getting together again since then. I’m not saying I will never go out with him again, the attraction to him was strong. What I can say is, I felt good about my decision. Still do.

Deciding what is acceptable to you is a valuable dating tool. Know your lines, limits, and personal limitations. Don’t start out the process compromising.

 

 

 

 

 

Mi Colombiano Part Two of Two

Jaime

 

We will pick up where we left off yesterday. I just assured you jealousy should be your dress color at what took place when we decided we were a couple. 😉 Here ya’ go, the rest of the story……..

 

Three nights later he asked me, point-blank, if I had sex with Sunday Morning after he and I met. I was honest with him. He was angry, but also understood he had no real ground to stand on. We were in a bad place, and we had never had any clear definition to our relationship. We had a very serious conversation the following weekend about all of the reasons I didn’t trust him before, he seemed stunned.

It was also the first time I told him I loved him. We spent the next two months in a pretty blissful place. We decided to look for an apartment together. We were moving into a serious potential future together. Then, everything fell apart because some asshole soldier decided to text me a Tatum Channing style pic, my response being “Wow, really?!” meaning ….why the fuck would you send that to me??….turns out this translation is not universal. The soldier then added to it by suggesting we should go out sometime. Through an insane course of events, mi Colombiano saw these. He wasn’t snooping, I wasn’t hiding them, becaause I had nothing to hide, I wasn’t interested in anyone but him. To say he lost it would be an understatement of epic proportions. He went fucking nuts! There were a lot of ugly things said that night, he was done, I was crushed.

Three nights later, in an effort to be civil, we had dinner. The man I was in love with looked at me from across the table and told me I would be easily replaced. That is not something you ever forget. I still can’t write it without crying. I wish I could defend him, say it came from a place of anger, but that isn’t who he is. He just meant it, believed it.

We ended the dinner re-introducing ourselves to one another, shaking hands and exchanging names. A fresh start, we would just see where it took us. Two days later, we were back together. It was wonderful and easy and seemed right.

Two weeks after, he sent me a text from a hotel room in Tennessee, drunk and talking to his brother, he decided he couldn’t do it. Couldn’t move past it. Couldn’t deploy and wonder what I was doing back here. I was visiting my parents when the messages began to come in, with a rapid-fire quickness. I sat at the table, my dad sitting a foot from me, trying not to seem upset. Leaving soon afterwards, resolving right then, this time was different. I wouldn’t let him do it again.

When he received mail at my house the following week, I sent him a text and told him to have one of his guys meet me to pick it up. I bagged all of the stuff he had given me along with the mail. I needed to clear him out of my life.

I started going to therapy after the first break up, it was a saving grace during the second one. I wrote him one last email. Simple, to the point, closure.

Then I waited to feel whole again. Then, his deployment day came, then it went, and I never saw him or heard from him. The amount of tears I expelled that day is ridiculous. Then, he received mail again. I knew it was important. I emailed, to let him know. He sent his APO. I broke, bought some of his favorite cookies, printed the weather report for the region of Afghanistan he is in and scribbled a lot of nonsensical comments. Sent it all to him.

He emailed a thank you, only added some additional stuff in there.

Then he received more mail. We went through the process again, and this time I included some of his favorite candy bars. I keep telling myself it’s just because I have a soft spot for our men and women in harm’s way, which I definitely do, but in truth, it is because I don’t trust his family to take the time to send him anything and I can’t bear the thought of him being there and receiving nothing. Not him.

Three days ago, while I was busy scrubbing my new house, he tried to talk to me on GoogleChat. When I saw, twenty minutes too late, the messages, I just sat and cried, again.

I learned a lot from this relationship. Things like, communication really is essential to anything. If we had communicated with one another about our feelings, suspicions, fears, and expectations, each and every time we felt them, we would be in a very different place now.

I need to stop expecting people to disappoint me. I allowed myself to become conditioned to disappointment, now I expect it to be part of every package. It doesn’t have to be, I’m allowed to set the bar. I don’t have to settle.

I can’t receive love, if I’m busy defending myself from it.

I am capable of giving myself to someone, completely. Or at least, I was, I hope to be again someday. After all, this whole blog is based on my search for romance, love, the final One. I have no idea when or if I will find him. Maybe I already have and we just don’t know it, but we will take the journey, all of you and I.

To Elly, I did it! I made it through the whole thing, with honesty, tears and a lot of snotty, nasty tissues piled beside me!

Majorus Interruptus

 

 

 

family-reunion-checklist

 

 

 

As promised, we will catch up on the new Cast Members and their respective entrances, exits, idiosyncracies, etc.

Majorus Interruptus will be a fun place to start. Flirtatious guy, older than me (we all know, in my book, that is a strike against him), raising 3 kids(one of whom should be raised by now!!!), moderately attractive, very clever….we will consider him a persistent contender.

He showed up “on scene”, not through the dating website. Got my phone number through a mutual acquaintance, then called to suggest lunch. He had been funny when I met him, was amusing on the phone when he asked, but I was unavailable for lunch at the proposed time, so he jumped right to the “clearly, we are destined to have dinner then” line. I acquiesced, and the plan was simple, just cruise around and sight see until we got hungry, then play the restaurant by ear.

He was smart to go with this plan, and to choose a casual jeans sort of dress code. It had been a physically and emotionally draining week for me and the laid back feel of the evening appealed to me.

He arrived on time, had completely acceptable jeans and pullover shirt on. Away we went for an evening cruise in a reasonable, but sporty muscle car. I was comfortable.

Conversation was smooth and easy. He and I were laughing a lot and it was very relaxing to just ride and not feel the need to worry about anything. We could be wherever we wanted to be, when we wanted to be there.

Until……..while showing me his old neighborhood, he asks if I would mind terribly if he ran in to check on his grandmother, since we were so close to her house. I could stay in the car and he would only be a moment. I didn’t see it as a huge deal, I would do the same, honestly.

When he went to her door, though, there was no answer. He got back in the car and called, also no answer. He was becoming concerned, when a white SUV jam-packed full of women pulled in behind us.

“Oh my hell!” being his response, I guessed immediately I was in for a treat. I was right. Grandmother, two Aunties, one cousin and a great cousin all come rolling out. So excited to see him, AND, of course, the lady friend(no joke, I was referred to as ‘the lady friend’). After an extremely warm and only mildly inquisitive visit with all of them, we beat a hasty retreat back to the car.

He was terribly apologetic and the whole thing really had just amused me. The women, while clearly judging me…..my appearance, my demeanor, my education and my family status….were incredibly warm, friendly and funny as hell.

We had been back on the road for about five minutes when he received a call. It was his mother, making it clear she expected him to stop in, what with every other woman in her family already calling and texting her about the lovely ‘lady friend’ Majorus Interruptus had with him at grandmother’s house.

I couldn’t help but laugh out loud, which ‘Mom’ heard over the bluetooth. If there is one thing I learned a long time ago, it is you don’t mess with Southern mommas. If I end up actually dating this guy, this is a necessary stop. He was in the process of arguing his way out of it when I stopped him. “We might as well go, it will keep us both out of trouble”, I chided. He pointed out to his mom I had said we should, and only then, was it acceptable for him to get off of the phone.

He was giving me pre-game instructions on all of his mom’s behavior, prepping me like we were about to head into battle. We arrived at a lovely little suburban home, like any other, except with X’s drawn on paper, placed on several windows of the front of the house.

“What the hell?!” was his response to seeing this, I was amused. As we entered the house of this perfectly coiffed, overly manicured woman, wearing something that reminded me of the clothes my friends and I wore while in New Orleans, he immediately asked of the X’s……..and we were off. I believe I said three words during the visit, I did get the full pictorial review of her trip to Paris, (paid for by the younger brother of my date) her trip to Disney, (paid for by his next to oldest brother) her trip to Germany to see his youngest brother, which, was only fair since she was going to see him, she pointed out). She only ‘suggested’ to Majorus Interruptus twice he should pay for her LightLift Facelift while we were there. Oh, and her computer is feeling a bit old, what with that new Windows system being out for so long now.

Somewhere in this onslaught, a text had come through to his phone from the daughter who should be raised by now. Did we want to join them for pizza at one of my favorite(unbeknownst to him) pizza places in Louisville? That was a Hell Yeah!

Not that I wasn’t having a fabulous time…………

So, we were hauling ass to extract ourselves from the tornado repellent(remember those X’s??) house. Almost making it out the door before ‘Mom’ asked what is apparently THE only thing she needed to know about me.

“What sign are you?” Seriously…….this was the Only question she asked me the entire time. I told her……….she was excited. Very well. I passed all kinds of tests I didn’t, as of this moment, care to even be taking.

When we were safely in the car, he looked at me and said, “As you can imagine, I’m used to high maintenance women. If anything, that is a big plus for women in my life.”

That is one way to look at it. The daughter, her boyfriend, and friends were a nice change of pace. Relaxed, out for some fun on a Friday night. It was enjoyable joining them.

After dinner we strolled down the streets of the city, to the Belvedere. It was quite lovely. After a bit of just looking out and talking about the madness of the evening, we decided it was time to head back home.

We did stop for a drink at a local bar, once we returned to our little town. Then, he dropped me off at home, apologized for the massive interruption to our plans, and kissed me on the cheek. His daughter had teased him at dinner about pretty much ensuring there would be no second date, to which I responded with a genuine laugh.

He asked me if I would text him the next morning and I said of course. Which I did……

So, now you’ve met Majorus Interruptus. What do you think?

Do we sink the Major’s ship because of some clear and present mommy danger?

Do we give him another go round and see if he can manage a family-less date?

Do we even care, since he was already barely passing means testing?

I know what I think, but I want to know what you think………..

Too Many Men, Too Few Posts….

bad girl

I know, I am supposed to be keeping you abreast (hehe) of my dating activities. I should warn you, we have a lot of catching up to do. New cast members, reappearances from previously undiscussed cast members, dates gone awry and dates going really well.

Each man, no more how seemingly inconsequential, needs to be chronicled, for posterity if nothing else. So, with this in mind, I will do a quick rundown for you on what has transpired, then we will spend next week actually going into some detail on the cast members involved in this rundown.

The Rundown:

Emails from “mi Colombiano” leaving me in an emotional heap

Random calls from the Jamaican, who has been out of the picture for almost a year (??!!?? can we all say it together now WTF?)

Four new cast members…2 from *insert internet dating site*.com, 2 from random meetings.

One bizarre, whirlwind, meet the entire family, first date.

One very pleasant first date.

One offer to fly, all expenses paid, to Vegas for 3 days.

One extremely pleasant lunch date, filled with nice, relaxed conversation and laughter.

One unexpected drop-in houseguest tossing his proverbial hat in the ring.

Yes, much to review next week.

Join me then, I will give the full breakout on each and you can pick them apart with me. You know you want to!

Name Change for The Halfling

smurf_you_by_rodakrodak

We are going to change the Halfling’s name……let’s call him Gropey Smurf….or we could call him Me, cause it’s all about Me, All The Time. UGHH!!

Date Time: 9:30pm
Place: moved it late in the evening to just meeting for a drink at BW3’s due to the chaos of my moving. He was super sweet and understanding about it.
Arrival: Me, 9:35pm, which was a miracle, given everything I had going on yesterday. Him, 10pm. Umm, yeah.
Appearance in comparison to pictures on profile: Excellent. Very attractive. Although, if I’m 5’4″ and wearing 4″ heels, I should not be taller than someone who is 5’10”. Clear exaggeration of height. Big smile, friendly demeanor.

Although he arrived late, due to falling asleep when I pushed the time back on him, he was immediately engaging. I should also point out he text about 15 times on his way with apologies and ETAs as he was heading over there.

His smile catches attention the minute you see it. After we were seated, he immediately began light conversation. We fell into a groove of discussing everything from his father, a former racehorse jockey, to his son, to his son’s mother, who passed away about two years ago, to his ex-girlfriend, to his jobs, to his co-workers, to his likes and dislikes about living in Louisville.

Okay, I’m going to stop here to make a couple of observations. While you can understand the gist of this, it should be clarified he is, as I said, very engaging. So, although we left the evening with him knowing no more about me than he did when he arrived, he entertained me quite a lot. He is very funny and bright. I did not even realize he monopolized the entire conversation until on my way home when I was doing my post date processing. It was then I had a chance to review and I couldn’t help but laugh. I talk, a lot, but I had barely even had the opportunity to respond to one story before he would be full on into another.

He is a smoker, and at one point in the evening, asked if we could step outside. Sure, no problem, I smoke too. As we were exiting the table, he placed his hand on the small of my back. Simple gesture, kind of endearing, until it slid down to my ass. Bwahahaha! So much for endearing. I turned toward him and he said, “my bad, it’s just a bit irresistible.” I responded with a simple, “uh huh, find a way to resist.” and laughed it off.

He was not deterred much. While outside, he attempted to pull me up to him. Fail! The sad part is, I’m not averse to physical contact on a first date, *ahem* , but it has to feel natural and not forced, or like someone is just being a little overzealous. Remember when you were a kid and you and siblings would try to annoy one another by just touching the other one, then the swatting of the hands and the Stop it!, Stop what? Stop it! Stop what? Mom, he’s touching me, make him stop! would take place on a regular basis? Yeah, that! That is what the rest of the night felt like, he talked about himself some more while trying to touch me at every possible turn.

Time to go! Of course, as we all knew was going to happen, he moved in for a kiss, was met with a hug and a cheek.

2nd Date Chances: I’m thinking NONE! But, hey, I had a couple of drinks with a famous jockey’s son. Even if he is Gropey Smurf.