Tag Archive | dating

The Vanishing (this is not a movie review)

I think I am now most famous for the drop off. You know, blogging away, posting regularly, then suddenly I just drop off. I can’t help it. I can, I just choose not to help it. Life gets in my way.

I started this new blog in the stream of chronicling what dating and romance are like for someone after 19 years of marriage. I stopped writing, well, quite simply, because I stopped dating. I realized I don’t care for this world’s idea of romance and relationships. I de-prioritized it.

I made lots of friends, met some real assholes, went some nice places and some not-so-nice places. Mostly though, I took a deep look at myself, what I want in life and who I would like to share it with, theoretically.

What I found was simple: I am a bright, moderately attractive, fun, stable person who has an open mind and heart. I am not a quick trick. I do not have any desire to pretend I need someone I genuinely don’t need. I am not capable of pretending to be a damsel in distress. I will handle my own shit, take care of me and mine, and still make room for another person.

I mention this because a guy I dated told me he would take care of me. Now, if he meant sexually, I would be all for it. If he meant he would meet the emotional needs of someone he cares about and was in a relationship with, I’m all for that, as well. Alas, niether of these were not what he meant. He just wanted to make sure I knew if I was dating him, he would pay for things, buy things, enrich my life, financially.

Modern day romance, aka prostitution.

I just can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t even count the number of my friends who have suggested taking that route. Find some rich guy and go with it. You deserve a break. It’s as easy to live with a rich guy as it is a poor one.

While I love my friends and I understand their desire to see me comfortable and having all of the material things I left behind in my divorce, the idea of being with someone for financial reasons, well, it just creeps me out.

So, I find myself sorting things out alone. Dating, via websites and friends ideal matches feels completely unappealing. My family and my career being my focus. I will be making major life changes throughout the next few months. Changes I will no doubt chronicle in some fashion.

Blogging is something I love and will, no doubt, continue to do. I just feel more in my own skin if the blog has no set topic. It just needs to be me. Real, honest, unashamedly me….so, be patient, as I give this little place an overhaul. New name, new look, old Shawn…little bit fun, little bit spicy, very opinionated, whole lot of Wicked. Time to get back to it!!

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

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I find it interesting, and a bit disconcerting, every single person I know has a very concrete idea of the person they think they want to find. A set of standards, things they are looking for, and things they are hoping to avoid.

This has brought me to some related questions/conclusions, along with today’s most valuable lesson. One question; if you are seeking someone with similar interests and you are a bookworm, couch potato, why are you dating athletic types who want to be on the go and haven’t read a book since college? A conclusion; people are basing their hopes on completely unrealistic ideals.

The previous conclusion leads into today’s self-evaluation topic. Before you can truly go about finding someone suitable to spend more than two weeks with, you should really figure out Who the Fuck Are You?! Truly, genuinely, inside and out.

When I read online dating profiles, I’m always amused. Guess what, every guy on *insert unnamed dating service*.com loves basketball, hiking, beaches, travel, romantic nights. Really???!!! All of you do, huh? Fascinating. Tell me more. (giant bit of sarcasm for you there, happy Friday!)

Obviously, there is a level of dishonesty in some cases. But I really do find in most cases, more than anything else, it’s them portraying their “ideal self”. The guy they would be, if only….. It’s the if only creating the problem.

My suggestion to anyone who is going to be dating is to take a look at themselves. An honest look. Sure, we all have those friends who are going to tell us how amazing we are, how stupid the entire single world is for not beating our door down, we’re beautiful/handsome, a total catch. This is awesome and everyone needs and deserves the support, believe me, there will be times when your ego is going to take major, undeserved hits. Those people need to be on standby for just such occasions.

The problem comes from believing all of the hype, all of the time. Yes, maybe you are beautiful, but then again, maybe your beauty is only skin deep. I’m sure you are amazing, but you probably have some flaws, too.

When I sat down recently to genuinely evaluate who I am and what I have to offer, I found that I like myself quite a bit. I also found myself disappointed in Me in several areas. (hey, I warned y’all I started seeing a psychologist after the first breakup with mi Colombiano, this shit is what we do)

The point wasn’t by any means to beat myself up, or to build myself up. It was to ground myself. Arm myself from unfair assessments by others, give me the ability to acknowledge the fair ones with grace, and the chance to work on areas I choose to change.

One of my best features is my unwavering support of those I care for, be it emotionally, physically, or other, I will do anything for someone I care about, putting myself aside to be there for them. One of my worst is I am judgemental…..yes, I am judging you: your hair, your shoes, those earrings, your inability to spell, etc…I am judgy.

Obviously, I dug much deeper than these issues, but hey, some stuff you people just don’t need to know. 😉

Have you ever done an honest character evaluation of yourself? Did you find it uplifting? Depressing? Do you think I should stop seeing this psychologist immediately?? LOL

 

 

Playa, Playa….

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I did NOT create this picture, if I had, it would say “YOU’RE a player” not “your a player”….just sayin’

Let’s not fool ourselves. Every time anyone enters the dating arena, they will encounter the inevitable Playa’s. (I’m over all that, babe. I’m looking for the real thing now.) The two questions anyone who accepts a Playa as a potential date must ask themselves are simple. Do I have the self-confidence to deal with this man/woman? Do I feel like I will be able to sort through the canned lines and the real person, assuming there is one, beneath them?

I don’t fear the Playa’s of the world. Some people probably think, because I am honest about dating people with no commitment to anyone right now, I am a Playa. I would argue against that sort of assumption though. On the basis I am very upfront to potential dates, I don’t pretend my intentions are any different than they really are, and I am not hooking up with every guy who takes me out.

Of course, people have varying definitions of Playa’s, too. I mean, one girl’s Playa is another girl’s guy with a past. There is a difference, right? Or is there?

When I view them, I just see varying levels of Playa’s. I see the active Playa, one who is trying to score with a different person every night they go out, or more than one a night. I see the Pursuit Playa, chasing with vigor and then losing interest once the conquest is established. The Emotional Playa, wanting to gain the emotional dependence of their targets, before moving on. The Stealth Playa, the most dangerous, but also extremely rare. This is the Playa no one realizes is a Playa. No reputation precedes them, no canned or cheesy lines ever fall from their lips. They just blind side you.

The thing about me is, I don’t hate the Playa’s, or their game. I simply am bored by it. They don’t seem to realize, after hearing these things over and over, it just becomes tiresome. There is a place and time for every type of person. I can, and am, currently entertaining the notion of a Playa in the mix. I have no fear of them. I simply must be honest, though. The Playa is the least likely person for me to ever open myself up to. He would have to step up his game to a level most simply aren’t capable of managing.

We shall see. What type of Playa’s did I miss? Do all of us Think we can handle a Playa until we get caught up in one? Is there a little bit of Playa in everyone on the dating scene these days?

 

Is Romance Simply a Dead Art?

Dead Flowers

 

There is no shortage of available men in my life right now. There is no shortage of available men in the world. There are sweet text messages sent randomly, dinners, ………ummm, yeah, that’s about it.

When did we stop encouraging, or at least hoping for real romance? Is a Facebook “Like” the new flower delivery? How does Edible Arrangements stay in business? Party planners. That is my assumption, anyway. I’ve been back on the dating scene for a while now. Dated guys who would consider themselves old-fashioned, new school, players, and everything in between. What do they not realize? There is little to no difference in any of them.

Yes, I am saying this with a very certain tone. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I am giving up on romance. We have already established I am not settling. I am not trying to let the general lack of inspiration by the men I have met so far, deter me from our eventual Knight in Shining Armor.

I will find the one who surprises me. The one who wants me enough to work for it a little. The one who puts some thought into it. I’m a unique person, I will find the one who sees it, appreciates it, responds to it.

The thing is, romance is subjective. What one of us finds romantic, another finds unimaginative. If a man is going to romance me, or you, or his wife, or anyone, it should be tailored to her. One problem this presents us with  is, we, as the ones who wish to be romanced, have to open ourselves enough for a man/woman to feel confident in his knowledge and place with us.

We also should be proactive. Give to receive, etc. There is no social standard any more which says all of the romance should be initiated by one sex. We are capable of romancing, too. I happen to have set a standard for myself, but in today’s dating world, everyone gets to create their own version of normal.

What do you find to be romantic? When is the last time someone you dated made a romantic gesture? When is the last time you made a romantic move? How did it go?

Let’s Do a Progress Check, Shall We?

 

 

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Let’s do a quick, but all-important, Progress Check.

Important to note: No, I haven’t fallen madly in love and run off with the Knight in Shining Armor, yet.

Since we have established this fact, let’s review where we do stand with the Cast you have met, along with a couple of people you haven’t been introduced to properly.

Captain America: CA leaves for his training to head overseas, for his dream job, on Friday. We have been in contact, as we always stay in contact, but due to a death in his family and his attention to the last-minute details of closing his house up and prepping, we haven’t seen one another since you were introduced to him. He will be sorely missed and always a dear friend. I feel confident his role has ended.

Sunday Morning: Of course, I haven’t heard from him, nor contacted him. I did, however, find out by accident, he will be returning home sooner than he had expected. This makes us smile. His playfulness and easy-going spirit is missed.

The Shocker: Totally stricken from the list. Oddly enough, pompous ass is not on my list of desirable traits in a man. Moving on, wishing him luck.

Saint: I respond when he texts. I don’t initiate conversations, because honestly, until he makes a date AND keeps it, we simply aren’t interested. Right? Right.

The Halfling: Much like the date, he has no sense of respect for my space. This is true in text messages, too. He still blows up my phone, despite my Obvious disinterest.

Majorus Interruptus: I shook my head as I typed his name. I went out with him three more times after our initiation by fire, into the inner circle of his family. Fun and easygoing dates. No spark…..that is the easiest way to explain it. Just a good friend, which is where we have moved him. Friend zoned…….

Mi Colombiano:  We have GChatted several times recently. It’s very stilted, to say the least. I feel so torn when we chat. There is a part of me wanting to tell him he wanted out of my life, so he needs to just stop. There is also the part of me crying out to just say something meaningful. I don’t, I never will, I have realized there is too much fear and insecurity surrounding him for me to actually trust anything between us. So, I chat with him, so I know he is okay and I don’t create undue stress on him while he is there. He does need to focus on missions, his team, his need for self-preservation is more important right now. The rest can be dealt with when he is safely back.

The Contractor: Yes, I know, new one! He’s sweet, fun, considerate. We spent close to all of last weekend together while he was in from California. I have wondered more than once why I didn’t let him steal me and take me back with him when he jokingly threatened to do so. We will be continuing to get to know one another.

The Ice Cream Man: Couple of dates back a while ago. I ended it because he lives fairly far away and our schedules are completely mismatched. He’s called, sent texts and SnapChatted (nothing graphic, thank you! I am an innocent one, don’t ya know) quite a bit lately. We haven’t discussed getting together, but he is definitely attempting to get back on scene.

 

Okay, that does it for the Roundup! Anyone you hated to see get cut? Intrigued by? Think needs to go? Feedback people. It’s all about feedback!!

The Rules of Romantic Roulette

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Granted, it’s not as cut and dry as some list of qualities I am seeking. I think, I hope, we can all agree, the days of  “must make $400K a year, have at least two homes, no more than one ex-wife, and 2.3 kids” are long gone. I’m seeking a person, flesh and blood, and hopefully just as flawed as I know myself to be. Of course, he must recognize some of his flaws, present them unabashedly, and know he deserves love anyway, just as I do.

“Maybe I’m just too demanding…” The sweet-smelling strands of Prince cloud my keyboard, as I am writing this.

I do have some hard and fast rules, both for my expectations of men, and for myself. (like Prince said….demanding….)

So, for anyone wondering, let me lay them out there. When you read these, you are going to laugh and say, “Come on, this stuff is common sense, no one would ever…..”, to which I say, “In a relationship for a pretty long time, huh? Never tried online dating, right? Or, damnable option, you’re the person I am trying to avoid, or avoid becoming.”

Rules for Myself:

If he seems truly interesting, make the first move. There is no set of rules anywhere, saying men are solely responsible for striking up conversation or asking about lunch sometime. Better to step up, than miss out. (this rule applies online, as well. If I’m interested, I send a short email, usually a little bit of wit and a little explanation of what caught my interest.)

Don’t begin to justify other people’s actions, or romanticize out of boredom or loneliness.

If you want to sleep with him, sleep with him. There is no magic number, no set time, no mythical song will play when it is time. We are all adults and sex is one of life’s pleasures. Truth be told, I am not going to long term date someone who the sex is atrocious with anyway. If he thinks you’re a whore for sleeping with him so soon, then he’s a whore too, so you’re still on equal footing.

Speak up! If he’s tanking a date because he can’t stop talking about his ‘mom, kids, ex, job, hobby’, etc. make three gentle attempts to ease him out of it. He could just be super nervous. I am fucking amazing and men get nervous in my presence. LOL If you try to ease him out of it, but it continues, do him the favor of telling him. Be honest, a simple, “I’m trying to keep up, but wow! We have been talking about your ex for 30 minutes straight now.” If this doesn’t end the diatribe, it is now acceptable to smile, get your purse, stand, leave.

Do not spend extended periods of time on any of the previously mentioned subjects when with anyone you have not been on numerous dates with and they are asking questions about the topic. Lots of questions. These are not date topics. (okay, hobbies are great date topics, but moderation is key)

Be honest with them. If the spark just wasn’t there, but they are still blowing up your phone……no stringing along!

Rules for Men I Date:

Disrespect of my time is not acceptable. I deserve to know if you tell me you are going to be somewhere, I can count on you to be there, or tell me, in advance, you will not.

Infringement of my personal space is not to be forced. I’m not shy, if I want you to hold my hand, you will know. If you just had to reach a full arms length and take a step sideways to grasp my hand, I didn’t want you to have it. Don’t act all shell-shocked when I withdraw it (from your grubby little claws).

I identify myself as a grammar nazi, self-promoting writer……why are you surprised I didn’t respond to your email reading, “hey girl i like you’re stile” I don’t care if you look like Ryan Gosling, WE are not going to work. And…you should be glad I deleted my initial response.

If you are Ryan Gosling, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE spell correctly and use proper punctuation. I would hate to miss out on you!

Don’t ask me, while in the first 15 minutes of our first date, if I’m feeling the connection, too. If you ask, I will be forced to tell you the asking of the question just left me feeling a little frightened and concerned about your future stalking potential.

Don’t be angry. Angry, bitter, unhappy…it may be masked initially, at times, but the minute I pick up on it, I’m out. I am seeking someone to enjoy life’s moments with, not to listen to how the world just keeps beating you down.

Don’t think you have me all figured out, and for fuck’s sake, don’t tell me you do. I don’t even know all the many wonderful facets of myself at this point in life. You definitely do not either. On the flip side, please seek them out with me, and try to appreciate them for what they are…….tiny pieces of me.

Do be exuberant about something. I don’t care what it is, have some passion for something in your life!

Do have interests in more than NASCAR and baseball. 🙂 (it’s okay, she’s out there somewhere. I’m just not her.)

Do understand that just because I don’t think you are right for me, doesn’t mean I am judging you as unfit. We just aren’t suitable for one another.

 

 

Whew! I’m sure the list will grow, the longer we do this. I don’t feel like I’m being all crazed with expectations. I had a situation with a guy who I went out with twice, then he just didn’t show for our third date. I sent him one text, when it was clear he wasn’t going to show.

“Not waiting here any longer, going on home. Hope you’re okay.”

We had actually really hit it off. Great chemistry, great times when we had gotten together. Then that. It seemed strange. No matter who you are, something like that makes you question your judgement.

The next day, I received a text from him.

“I’m so sorry baby girl! I totally forgot and went out with a few friends after I dropped the kids off.”

I’m sorry, did I read that wrong? He “totally forgot” he had a date with me?!?! I’m so much better than that. I replied;

“Well, I hate to hear that. I’m sure we would have had a good time. Good luck on your search for someone ______. It was a pleasure meeting you.”

Within 5 seconds, he was responding to the brush off.

“Whoa! You’re seriously overreacting. Calm down. I missed one date, not like I skipped out on your birthday.”

This made me pause, and truly evaluate my reaction, verses my possible reactions. I know people who would have instantly forgiven him, then complained down the road because he repeats the behavior. I know people who would have blown up his phone the night he didn’t show up and made a huge fight of it. I know people who would have just blocked him from their phone and all social media and pretended it never happened.

I sent one last message to him:

“_______, There were many ways I could have reacted to being stood up. My reaction is the one I am comfortable with right now. I place a higher value on myself than to date someone who forgets our plans. I’m not angry, just know my own worth.”

He has randomly called, texted and even suggested we try getting together again since then. I’m not saying I will never go out with him again, the attraction to him was strong. What I can say is, I felt good about my decision. Still do.

Deciding what is acceptable to you is a valuable dating tool. Know your lines, limits, and personal limitations. Don’t start out the process compromising.

 

 

 

 

 

Mi Colombiano Part Two of Two

Jaime

 

We will pick up where we left off yesterday. I just assured you jealousy should be your dress color at what took place when we decided we were a couple. 😉 Here ya’ go, the rest of the story……..

 

Three nights later he asked me, point-blank, if I had sex with Sunday Morning after he and I met. I was honest with him. He was angry, but also understood he had no real ground to stand on. We were in a bad place, and we had never had any clear definition to our relationship. We had a very serious conversation the following weekend about all of the reasons I didn’t trust him before, he seemed stunned.

It was also the first time I told him I loved him. We spent the next two months in a pretty blissful place. We decided to look for an apartment together. We were moving into a serious potential future together. Then, everything fell apart because some asshole soldier decided to text me a Tatum Channing style pic, my response being “Wow, really?!” meaning ….why the fuck would you send that to me??….turns out this translation is not universal. The soldier then added to it by suggesting we should go out sometime. Through an insane course of events, mi Colombiano saw these. He wasn’t snooping, I wasn’t hiding them, becaause I had nothing to hide, I wasn’t interested in anyone but him. To say he lost it would be an understatement of epic proportions. He went fucking nuts! There were a lot of ugly things said that night, he was done, I was crushed.

Three nights later, in an effort to be civil, we had dinner. The man I was in love with looked at me from across the table and told me I would be easily replaced. That is not something you ever forget. I still can’t write it without crying. I wish I could defend him, say it came from a place of anger, but that isn’t who he is. He just meant it, believed it.

We ended the dinner re-introducing ourselves to one another, shaking hands and exchanging names. A fresh start, we would just see where it took us. Two days later, we were back together. It was wonderful and easy and seemed right.

Two weeks after, he sent me a text from a hotel room in Tennessee, drunk and talking to his brother, he decided he couldn’t do it. Couldn’t move past it. Couldn’t deploy and wonder what I was doing back here. I was visiting my parents when the messages began to come in, with a rapid-fire quickness. I sat at the table, my dad sitting a foot from me, trying not to seem upset. Leaving soon afterwards, resolving right then, this time was different. I wouldn’t let him do it again.

When he received mail at my house the following week, I sent him a text and told him to have one of his guys meet me to pick it up. I bagged all of the stuff he had given me along with the mail. I needed to clear him out of my life.

I started going to therapy after the first break up, it was a saving grace during the second one. I wrote him one last email. Simple, to the point, closure.

Then I waited to feel whole again. Then, his deployment day came, then it went, and I never saw him or heard from him. The amount of tears I expelled that day is ridiculous. Then, he received mail again. I knew it was important. I emailed, to let him know. He sent his APO. I broke, bought some of his favorite cookies, printed the weather report for the region of Afghanistan he is in and scribbled a lot of nonsensical comments. Sent it all to him.

He emailed a thank you, only added some additional stuff in there.

Then he received more mail. We went through the process again, and this time I included some of his favorite candy bars. I keep telling myself it’s just because I have a soft spot for our men and women in harm’s way, which I definitely do, but in truth, it is because I don’t trust his family to take the time to send him anything and I can’t bear the thought of him being there and receiving nothing. Not him.

Three days ago, while I was busy scrubbing my new house, he tried to talk to me on GoogleChat. When I saw, twenty minutes too late, the messages, I just sat and cried, again.

I learned a lot from this relationship. Things like, communication really is essential to anything. If we had communicated with one another about our feelings, suspicions, fears, and expectations, each and every time we felt them, we would be in a very different place now.

I need to stop expecting people to disappoint me. I allowed myself to become conditioned to disappointment, now I expect it to be part of every package. It doesn’t have to be, I’m allowed to set the bar. I don’t have to settle.

I can’t receive love, if I’m busy defending myself from it.

I am capable of giving myself to someone, completely. Or at least, I was, I hope to be again someday. After all, this whole blog is based on my search for romance, love, the final One. I have no idea when or if I will find him. Maybe I already have and we just don’t know it, but we will take the journey, all of you and I.

To Elly, I did it! I made it through the whole thing, with honesty, tears and a lot of snotty, nasty tissues piled beside me!