As promised!

Okay guys and gals! As I mentioned in The Vanishing, it’s time to move to more solid ground. I invite, encourage, and implore you to join me over at www.backtoshawn.wordpress.com

New look, new feel, but headed back to the basics. Writing about life, the good, the bad, and the bizarre!

Let me know what you think of it!

 

 

The Vanishing (this is not a movie review)

I think I am now most famous for the drop off. You know, blogging away, posting regularly, then suddenly I just drop off. I can’t help it. I can, I just choose not to help it. Life gets in my way.

I started this new blog in the stream of chronicling what dating and romance are like for someone after 19 years of marriage. I stopped writing, well, quite simply, because I stopped dating. I realized I don’t care for this world’s idea of romance and relationships. I de-prioritized it.

I made lots of friends, met some real assholes, went some nice places and some not-so-nice places. Mostly though, I took a deep look at myself, what I want in life and who I would like to share it with, theoretically.

What I found was simple: I am a bright, moderately attractive, fun, stable person who has an open mind and heart. I am not a quick trick. I do not have any desire to pretend I need someone I genuinely don’t need. I am not capable of pretending to be a damsel in distress. I will handle my own shit, take care of me and mine, and still make room for another person.

I mention this because a guy I dated told me he would take care of me. Now, if he meant sexually, I would be all for it. If he meant he would meet the emotional needs of someone he cares about and was in a relationship with, I’m all for that, as well. Alas, niether of these were not what he meant. He just wanted to make sure I knew if I was dating him, he would pay for things, buy things, enrich my life, financially.

Modern day romance, aka prostitution.

I just can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t even count the number of my friends who have suggested taking that route. Find some rich guy and go with it. You deserve a break. It’s as easy to live with a rich guy as it is a poor one.

While I love my friends and I understand their desire to see me comfortable and having all of the material things I left behind in my divorce, the idea of being with someone for financial reasons, well, it just creeps me out.

So, I find myself sorting things out alone. Dating, via websites and friends ideal matches feels completely unappealing. My family and my career being my focus. I will be making major life changes throughout the next few months. Changes I will no doubt chronicle in some fashion.

Blogging is something I love and will, no doubt, continue to do. I just feel more in my own skin if the blog has no set topic. It just needs to be me. Real, honest, unashamedly me….so, be patient, as I give this little place an overhaul. New name, new look, old Shawn…little bit fun, little bit spicy, very opinionated, whole lot of Wicked. Time to get back to it!!

The Cast: Caesar

Julius-Caesar

Render unto Caesar, that which is Caesar’s- Jesus

 

The passage above sounds quite simple, but Jesus forgot one key fact….Caesar thinks Everything is his and he should be able to take it, at his discretion.

There is something extraordinarily unnerving about a man you have been around for a total of about 15 minutes, leaning in close to you and telling you he is going to make you his. Actually, I should rephrase the prior, saying there is something very unnerving about it when Caesar does it.

Caesar had some disadvantages. One, his reputation preceded his arrival on scene. Two, he happened to be in town for the same weekend The Contractor was flying in from California. Both were fairly sizable obstacles, but he seemed pretty , ahem, confident.

We chatted, exchanged phone numbers, laughed, and he moved on, as his reputation suggested he would do. I went about my business.

After a lovely, if uneventful, weekend hanging out with The Contractor, Caesar and I began to communicate a good deal. He is very close to someone who now plays a prominent role in my day to day life. The weekend of the Fourth, there happened to be some events planned in our mutual friend’s life he was hoping Caesar could attend. When the invitation to visit was extended, along with the clarity of knowledge on the free and clear social calendar I was working with that weekend, he was quick to decide another visit would be a good idea.

It was an interesting weekend. We had a great time on the 4th, hanging out with mutual friends and enjoying getting to know each other. We decided to have dinner, I was cooking for us, the following night. Only, instead, I cooked, ate and went to chill in my room when he sent a text to let me know he was ‘stranded’ with a couple of girls he had left a local bar with and was trying to find someone to come get him. I wished him luck. He did find someone to pick him up. We talked for a little while, followed shortly after with sleep. We had already planned to rent a couple of movies and chill at my house the last night he was in town. I got to the house after work, waited for close to an hour, then called a friend who had invited me over earlier in the day, let her know my schedule had suddenly cleared and off I went. Ten minutes after I left the house, Caesar sent a text, letting me know he was on his way to the house. Make yourself at home, I believe was my response. I told him I would be gone for a couple of hours.

Despite the really horrible behavior, there is a chemistry between us. Fortunately, I’m neither blind nor stupid, so if you are chomping at the bit to warn me of all the reasons I should Beware Caesar, no worries. My guard is up, as his probably is with me. Besides, I’ve already heard the warnings from mutual friends.

The thing is, once I did come back to the house the last night he was here, I layed down on the sofa and we watched the end of a movie he had started, then another, and it felt good. Breakfast the next morning before he headed back to Rome(obviously, he does not really live in Rome, but how freaking perfect would that be?!?!), was really nice and natural. We talked about our plans for our futures, our families, all of the things you would talk to someone about if you knew nothing about them.

We have talked every day since he left. He will be coming back here soon, then I am going to visit him in Rome shortly afterwards.

 

What do you think, should he be wearing a Danger sign? Is there a little bit of kismet going on in a meet your equal sort of sense?

 

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

snow-white-and-the-huntsman-02-645-75

 

I find it interesting, and a bit disconcerting, every single person I know has a very concrete idea of the person they think they want to find. A set of standards, things they are looking for, and things they are hoping to avoid.

This has brought me to some related questions/conclusions, along with today’s most valuable lesson. One question; if you are seeking someone with similar interests and you are a bookworm, couch potato, why are you dating athletic types who want to be on the go and haven’t read a book since college? A conclusion; people are basing their hopes on completely unrealistic ideals.

The previous conclusion leads into today’s self-evaluation topic. Before you can truly go about finding someone suitable to spend more than two weeks with, you should really figure out Who the Fuck Are You?! Truly, genuinely, inside and out.

When I read online dating profiles, I’m always amused. Guess what, every guy on *insert unnamed dating service*.com loves basketball, hiking, beaches, travel, romantic nights. Really???!!! All of you do, huh? Fascinating. Tell me more. (giant bit of sarcasm for you there, happy Friday!)

Obviously, there is a level of dishonesty in some cases. But I really do find in most cases, more than anything else, it’s them portraying their “ideal self”. The guy they would be, if only….. It’s the if only creating the problem.

My suggestion to anyone who is going to be dating is to take a look at themselves. An honest look. Sure, we all have those friends who are going to tell us how amazing we are, how stupid the entire single world is for not beating our door down, we’re beautiful/handsome, a total catch. This is awesome and everyone needs and deserves the support, believe me, there will be times when your ego is going to take major, undeserved hits. Those people need to be on standby for just such occasions.

The problem comes from believing all of the hype, all of the time. Yes, maybe you are beautiful, but then again, maybe your beauty is only skin deep. I’m sure you are amazing, but you probably have some flaws, too.

When I sat down recently to genuinely evaluate who I am and what I have to offer, I found that I like myself quite a bit. I also found myself disappointed in Me in several areas. (hey, I warned y’all I started seeing a psychologist after the first breakup with mi Colombiano, this shit is what we do)

The point wasn’t by any means to beat myself up, or to build myself up. It was to ground myself. Arm myself from unfair assessments by others, give me the ability to acknowledge the fair ones with grace, and the chance to work on areas I choose to change.

One of my best features is my unwavering support of those I care for, be it emotionally, physically, or other, I will do anything for someone I care about, putting myself aside to be there for them. One of my worst is I am judgemental…..yes, I am judging you: your hair, your shoes, those earrings, your inability to spell, etc…I am judgy.

Obviously, I dug much deeper than these issues, but hey, some stuff you people just don’t need to know. 😉

Have you ever done an honest character evaluation of yourself? Did you find it uplifting? Depressing? Do you think I should stop seeing this psychologist immediately?? LOL

 

 

Playa, Playa….

player-coach-love-pretty-quotes-Favim_com-582408

I did NOT create this picture, if I had, it would say “YOU’RE a player” not “your a player”….just sayin’

Let’s not fool ourselves. Every time anyone enters the dating arena, they will encounter the inevitable Playa’s. (I’m over all that, babe. I’m looking for the real thing now.) The two questions anyone who accepts a Playa as a potential date must ask themselves are simple. Do I have the self-confidence to deal with this man/woman? Do I feel like I will be able to sort through the canned lines and the real person, assuming there is one, beneath them?

I don’t fear the Playa’s of the world. Some people probably think, because I am honest about dating people with no commitment to anyone right now, I am a Playa. I would argue against that sort of assumption though. On the basis I am very upfront to potential dates, I don’t pretend my intentions are any different than they really are, and I am not hooking up with every guy who takes me out.

Of course, people have varying definitions of Playa’s, too. I mean, one girl’s Playa is another girl’s guy with a past. There is a difference, right? Or is there?

When I view them, I just see varying levels of Playa’s. I see the active Playa, one who is trying to score with a different person every night they go out, or more than one a night. I see the Pursuit Playa, chasing with vigor and then losing interest once the conquest is established. The Emotional Playa, wanting to gain the emotional dependence of their targets, before moving on. The Stealth Playa, the most dangerous, but also extremely rare. This is the Playa no one realizes is a Playa. No reputation precedes them, no canned or cheesy lines ever fall from their lips. They just blind side you.

The thing about me is, I don’t hate the Playa’s, or their game. I simply am bored by it. They don’t seem to realize, after hearing these things over and over, it just becomes tiresome. There is a place and time for every type of person. I can, and am, currently entertaining the notion of a Playa in the mix. I have no fear of them. I simply must be honest, though. The Playa is the least likely person for me to ever open myself up to. He would have to step up his game to a level most simply aren’t capable of managing.

We shall see. What type of Playa’s did I miss? Do all of us Think we can handle a Playa until we get caught up in one? Is there a little bit of Playa in everyone on the dating scene these days?

 

Is Romance Simply a Dead Art?

Dead Flowers

 

There is no shortage of available men in my life right now. There is no shortage of available men in the world. There are sweet text messages sent randomly, dinners, ………ummm, yeah, that’s about it.

When did we stop encouraging, or at least hoping for real romance? Is a Facebook “Like” the new flower delivery? How does Edible Arrangements stay in business? Party planners. That is my assumption, anyway. I’ve been back on the dating scene for a while now. Dated guys who would consider themselves old-fashioned, new school, players, and everything in between. What do they not realize? There is little to no difference in any of them.

Yes, I am saying this with a very certain tone. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I am giving up on romance. We have already established I am not settling. I am not trying to let the general lack of inspiration by the men I have met so far, deter me from our eventual Knight in Shining Armor.

I will find the one who surprises me. The one who wants me enough to work for it a little. The one who puts some thought into it. I’m a unique person, I will find the one who sees it, appreciates it, responds to it.

The thing is, romance is subjective. What one of us finds romantic, another finds unimaginative. If a man is going to romance me, or you, or his wife, or anyone, it should be tailored to her. One problem this presents us with  is, we, as the ones who wish to be romanced, have to open ourselves enough for a man/woman to feel confident in his knowledge and place with us.

We also should be proactive. Give to receive, etc. There is no social standard any more which says all of the romance should be initiated by one sex. We are capable of romancing, too. I happen to have set a standard for myself, but in today’s dating world, everyone gets to create their own version of normal.

What do you find to be romantic? When is the last time someone you dated made a romantic gesture? When is the last time you made a romantic move? How did it go?

Let’s Do a Progress Check, Shall We?

 

 

trackprogress2

 

Let’s do a quick, but all-important, Progress Check.

Important to note: No, I haven’t fallen madly in love and run off with the Knight in Shining Armor, yet.

Since we have established this fact, let’s review where we do stand with the Cast you have met, along with a couple of people you haven’t been introduced to properly.

Captain America: CA leaves for his training to head overseas, for his dream job, on Friday. We have been in contact, as we always stay in contact, but due to a death in his family and his attention to the last-minute details of closing his house up and prepping, we haven’t seen one another since you were introduced to him. He will be sorely missed and always a dear friend. I feel confident his role has ended.

Sunday Morning: Of course, I haven’t heard from him, nor contacted him. I did, however, find out by accident, he will be returning home sooner than he had expected. This makes us smile. His playfulness and easy-going spirit is missed.

The Shocker: Totally stricken from the list. Oddly enough, pompous ass is not on my list of desirable traits in a man. Moving on, wishing him luck.

Saint: I respond when he texts. I don’t initiate conversations, because honestly, until he makes a date AND keeps it, we simply aren’t interested. Right? Right.

The Halfling: Much like the date, he has no sense of respect for my space. This is true in text messages, too. He still blows up my phone, despite my Obvious disinterest.

Majorus Interruptus: I shook my head as I typed his name. I went out with him three more times after our initiation by fire, into the inner circle of his family. Fun and easygoing dates. No spark…..that is the easiest way to explain it. Just a good friend, which is where we have moved him. Friend zoned…….

Mi Colombiano:  We have GChatted several times recently. It’s very stilted, to say the least. I feel so torn when we chat. There is a part of me wanting to tell him he wanted out of my life, so he needs to just stop. There is also the part of me crying out to just say something meaningful. I don’t, I never will, I have realized there is too much fear and insecurity surrounding him for me to actually trust anything between us. So, I chat with him, so I know he is okay and I don’t create undue stress on him while he is there. He does need to focus on missions, his team, his need for self-preservation is more important right now. The rest can be dealt with when he is safely back.

The Contractor: Yes, I know, new one! He’s sweet, fun, considerate. We spent close to all of last weekend together while he was in from California. I have wondered more than once why I didn’t let him steal me and take me back with him when he jokingly threatened to do so. We will be continuing to get to know one another.

The Ice Cream Man: Couple of dates back a while ago. I ended it because he lives fairly far away and our schedules are completely mismatched. He’s called, sent texts and SnapChatted (nothing graphic, thank you! I am an innocent one, don’t ya know) quite a bit lately. We haven’t discussed getting together, but he is definitely attempting to get back on scene.

 

Okay, that does it for the Roundup! Anyone you hated to see get cut? Intrigued by? Think needs to go? Feedback people. It’s all about feedback!!